This blog entry is more for my benefit than anyone elses. I've just had some blood test results that weren't what I hoped they'd be and I thought that reminding myself that God is always good would be a helpful way to respond. Maybe my journey will also be helpful for others reading too. Let me give you some background.
Two years ago in January I had a major operation to remove a large cyst from my ovary. The cyst was at risk of being cancerous and I had to sign a form that said I was ok with the surgeon giving me a full hysterectomy if he felt that was necessary during surgery! It was not a nice time to put it politely.
Anyway, I had the surgery and all was fine. Both ovaries were left in tact and after two weeks of waiting for results they came back clear of cancer - praise God! God had actually told me when I was having intial investigations at the hospital that everything was going to be fine. I hoped that meant I would be healed miraculously and so not need the operation, but it didn't. I did have to go through surgery which was very traumatic and still now God is healing me from unexpressed emotions from that time (As an aside, I love that God is so interested in bringing us thorough emotional healing if we'll let Him. He loves us too much to leave us as we are)
So since the operation I've been having check ups every few months with the consultant and they've been going well, except that in the last 6 months the levels that they're testing in my blood have been slowly increasing. At my last check up my consultant told me that he wasn't too concerned, that if anything was growing back he'd expect the numbers to be doubling rapidly. That was good to hear.
This morning I got my latest blood test back and the level is higher again - not doubled, not huge but higher. Not lower as I had been hoping for. Lower would have been good; lower would have been great. The same would have been fine. Higher makes me feel unsettled. I don't understand why the level is slowly rising - I don't know what that means and so if I'm not careful I'll start to imagine all the things that could be going wrong. The only problem with that is I know from past experience, it does no good. So what do I do?
I remind myself that God is ALWAYS good. The minute I start questioning God's goodness I'm on a slippery slope (I know that because I've been there) God can't be anything but good! I remind myself that God is in charge of my life, that He's always faithful and that He always wants the best for me because He's my perfect heavenly Father. I use thanksgiving as a way of fighting fear and allowing the peace of God that goes beyond my understanding to guard my heart and my mind. Bottom line - I choose to trust Him. (I may be sounding brave, but as I said at the beginning I'm writing all this to remind myself!)
I'll see my consultant again next week, but until then I have an opportunity to get to know my perfect Dad more intimately and to trust Him more fully. Can't be a bad thing...